Meine inneren Kämpfe
Inhalt
My life with cancer
Until I was 20 years old, my health seemed to be fine.
I had just given birth to my first child, had a great job, and a relationship.
So it came as even more of a shock to me when i got diagnosed with vulvar cancer. Cancer? Me? My whole world seemed to collapse. I was still young and wanted so much from life. The doctors told me they had to surgically remove my labia and clitoris. I was distraught. Back then, in 2002, I was one of the youngest patients in all of Germany.
After that, I somehow managed to get my life back on track. Until the next diagnosis: cervical cancer. And because apparently I hadn’t suffered enough, it turned out that I am affected with lupus, a rare autoimmune disorder. Around that time, I got pregnant again.
After years of fighting, I founded Fuck Cancer, a non-profit organisation. I won’t let cancer get the best of me! #FUCKCANCER
I will fight for everyone who shares my fate, and try my best to give hope, courage, and strength to patients and their families.
Lupus
There are days where I have no strength left. Basic things, like standing up or walking, are almost impossible to do. Oftentimes I’m bound to a wheelchair.
Lupus is an autoimmune disorder that causes the bodys immune system to attack healthy cells. This is often followed by a number of symptoms as well as organ failure. In my case, my bones are affected and I suffer from neurological complications such as numbness in parts of my body, episodes of impaired speech, neruralgia, and loss of vision. I often suffer from nausea and unbearable stomach aches that leave me so exhausted I can barely move. Aside from the neurological effects, lupus has also negatively affected my heart, kidneys, and skin.
Nevertheless, I work hard every day in defiance of lupus. Even on days where I have to rely on my trusty wheelchair – I will always find a way. I want to encourage every one of you not to give up. Live your dreams! Don’t let anything get you down, and make the best of every precious day.
Borderline, Depression
One of my therapists said it best: BPD (Borderline-Personality-Disorder) is the basis of all my mental illnesses.
BPD causes me to see, or rather feel, everything in extremes. Things are either black or white, there’s no in between. I feel every emotion to it’s extend, be it positive or negative. This makes it hard for me to regulate my feelings. Even ‚normal‘ people have problems expressing their emotions in an ‚appropriate‘ way sometimes, as everyone has experienced emotionally overwhelming situations before.
Imagine being confronted with these ferocious feelings, including dangerous coping mechanisms like autoagression, self harm, and even suicide attempts, on a regular basis with no way around them. I feel misunderstood and mistreated when, instead of having civil discussions to bring my point across, extreme fits of rage are all i can manage to come up with.
I’m backing myself into a corner, BORDERLINE figuratively written across my forehead, which only amplifies my negative emotions and leads to severe defensive behavior. It’s like a downwards spiral, at the end of which I find myself completely unable to communicate opinions and voice concerns.
Situations in which I have failed to regulate my emotions are bad for my self-image and self-awareness, because hidden behind all the compulsions and impulses, there is that part of me that is struggling to communicate, dominated by, and in a way buried under, the behavioral patterns caused by BPD. I’ve had several identity crises throughout my life, and am still constantly trying to find myself.
In addition to that I’m struggling with depression. First things first, I want to eradicate the common stereotype that depression is a temporary affliction caused by problems at work or in a relationship. These things are better categorized as life crises that everyone has had to endure at some point. Depression on the other hand is a mental illness. I am living with it on a daily basis, and that’s not gonna change in the future. Even if I seem fine, i constantly experience episodes of chronic emptiness as a typical symptom of borderline-depression. If I let this feeling (or lack thereof) paralyze me for too long, I risk getting stuck in it, with getting back up being an arduous process.
For people with no history of mental illness, it’s hard to relate to my situation. I’d like to use the metaphor of a dark room, with me being unable to find the exit. The room is filled with cupboards full of emotions. If everything is right, and the room is illuminated, my brain is able to find and open any cupboard door, and access the emotion inside. But, once the light goes out, I no longer have access to joy, grief, passion or empathy. Sometimes I get met with completely random emotions, which manifest themselves similar to a manic episode.
I want to loudly and honestly raise awareness about this topic. People with a history of mental illness are not being taken seriously, they are constantly overlooked and stigmatised. – it’s like we’re not being given any credit. That’s exactly why i want to prove that every single one of us, no matter their diagnosis, can achieve great things.
I want to start a conversation about these things, so nobody has to hide their mental illness anymore. Be brave, and tell your story. Together, we can end the silence.